I grew up in a Christian family, with a mother and father who loved me more than life itself, and only wanted the best for me. I loved my parents back, but as I grew older I felt like something else was missing. I tried to fill this void with friends, alcohol, music, and sex. No matter how hard I tried and no matter what I tried it was not getting filled. At that point I just used what I was taught was wrong more and more.


Then I went to college, and it was a Christian college. It was great at first made some awesome friends that I will never forget! As the semester progressed I became very depressed. I started skipping classes, sneaking off campus to smoke cigarettes, barely ate anything and would stay up all night and sleep all day. I was in my own world, I became titled the “Vampire” because of my sleeping habits. I eventually was at the point where I resented God, and anyone who had anything to do with God. I would shudder at the sound of the word God. I hated him, I hated my family, and I hated everyone who even thought about God.



At this point I went as far away from God as I possibly could. Soon I was getting drunk or high or both every single night, I was partying till the break of dawn. I was even going to work still intoxicated from the night before. I was sleeping around with almost anyone who looked like they were interested. And that’s right you guessed it before long I ended up pregnant. I found out way late, I was too drunk most of the time to figure it out. I had just turned 19 the week before I found out! By the time I had my first ultrasound it was too late, we saw no heartbeat. I had miscarried. Sadly I was relieved. Now it’s devastating to know that I lost a life that probably could have been saved had I not been so careless!


But I continued my same lifestyle and got progressively worse. And within 2 months after my miscarriage I was pregnant again! This time I carried full term and gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy. I was scared I was not ready to take on the responsibilities of being a mother. I wanted to have my friends and go out and party and live life. Honestly who wants to be stuck at home with a baby at the age of 19. Pretty soon I started to resent my own son, because he “ruined” my life. I wasn’t able to have fun like I used to. So in return I sort of ruined his, I became kind of a drunk of a mother, I would have parties while he was sleeping in the other room, and for this I am deeply sorry today. Eventually the time came when spending money on alcohol was more important than spending money on him. That’s when my parents intervened and took him for awhile so I could get my life back together. But I was too stubborn and having too much fun to change. Eventually I gave him up for adoption. Probably the best thing I could have done for him.


That’s when I went too far. I started getting really close to the other side. I was listening to songs that were talking about being in love with the devil, and to Hell with Jesus Christ, and just nasty horrible lyrics. I started getting into the paranormal and ghosts, and demonology, I used to spend hours researching demons, and the different levels of demons, and how to become possessed by one. I wanted to be as far away from God as possible so I got as close to the Devil as possible. I was starting to feel spiritual things on the opposite spectrum. In a way I felt alive in a way that I had never felt before. I wanted to become one with the spirit world. I was close I could feel it.


Eventually I got another job, moved out on my own for awhile, and during this time I had turned 21! You all know what that means. I was at the bar every night partying and having drinks with friends and having the time of my life no worries. It was the life. Until once again alcohol became more important than my responsibilities, and one day I woke up and realized I was not who I wanted to be. And the only person I knew who could change that outcome was myself.

I made a phone call to my sister who had kicked me out before, and I graciously asked her for a second chance. To my surprise she was forgiving and let me move in with her once again. I wanted to change, I wanted to become a better person, but one of her rules that still bugged me was I had to go to church. I wasn’t happy with that at first but I chose to accept it because I needed to change. For awhile it was hard, but I kept fighting I wanted to feel “happy” again. I mean I felt alive but still empty and hollow inside no happiness or joy. Just dark and depressing thoughts.


I kept on going one day at a time. Surprisingly I had a few breakthroughs at church but they didn’t come easily. I fought them the whole time, I mean I wanted to change, but something or someone else didn’t want the change to happen, I felt the spiritual fight inside of me. It was a mental, emotional, even physically tolling. I found myself sleeping 13-14 hrs a day. I wasted my days away sleeping because I knew the moment I woke up the fight would be there. I didn’t want to face this challenge, but I knew it had to happen for me to become the person I’m supposed to be.

Once again, the devil tried to tempt me with what he knew was my weakness, and once again I gave in. My weakness is men, and the way they can satisfy my wants. I ran away with a guy who said he wanted to be with me more than anything. I believed him, he was everything I wanted. Somewhere something went wrong, we started fighting all the time, he became abusive, I became resentful, we had no respect for each other, it was horrible. The only time we did get along sadly was in the bedroom. Eventually that didn’t even become enough. It was a few months of hell if you ask me, but then something happened, I didn’t feel right my body was telling me something wasn’t normal. I had a feeling I knew what it was, but I didn’t want to face it.

My fears proved me correct. I was pregnant and once again I felt like I was being trapped. A few of my family members had straight out told me to do everyone a favor and get rid of it. I was marked to fail. And even my family wasn’t behind me. The father said he would be there and do everything he could. That lasted about a month, and then he was off to Texas. I was stuck and all alone with no one there to help me. I started living with a different couple friends but I could only stay there for a month or so. I had a job but it was not giving me enough hours to support myself let alone a baby! I could not mentally or emotionally go through losing another baby. To me I had already lost 2 of them.

I was surprised when the one who I had hurt so much, I had spit in her face, and let her down too many times already. My sister she was the one who came to my rescue. She allowed me to stay with her for a little while. But she had a roommate this time who I don’t believe understood why she could do that to someone who had hurt her so much. I believe in a way she had resented me for hurting my sister in the way that I had. For awhile I felt like things were very tense in that household. Someone who didn’t even know me was judging me by my past actions and couldn’t let it go.


In the mean time a lot of things happened. I got a second job, my parents bought a house and are not moved into it yet so I am renting the basement. I started going to church again, and this time I wanted to go. I love my church, and I love my God! I have seen, felt, and heard too much on his side to not believe it now. I have felt the touch of God so many times since I have allowed myself to feel it, and have stopped fighting it. My breakthroughs have been so much stronger and amazing. I am closer to God than I have ever been, and every day I seek and fight to become closer to him. I never want to leave his side.

My sister and her roommate are now like my best friends, I have apologized and spent hours talking to them. They are my support system. Together we have accomplished, learned, and overcome so much. Things are on the mend and we are going to be closer than I believe even we had imagined. God has intertwined our lives so much for some reason, and I believe all will be revealed in his perfect timing. We have taught each other about strength, love, family, true friendship, what it is to seek God diligently. And I thank him every day for my family and friends.

I’m also happy to say that today I am FREE!!! Free from the chains of bondage to a dark, cold, and lonely place, I no longer feel empty or hollow. I am happy with who I am and where God has placed me. I am happy to be me. I am also expecting another baby boy in 2 months!! I have a second chance at life, and being a mother I am not going to screw it up this time.

Labels: demons, past, testimony

Okay, so I know it's been awhile, but I have been busy lately. God has blessed me with the second job that I was praying for, for so long. Also I did not have the capability to get on the internet for some time. Now I'm back for awhile or at least I hope so!


Well I've been trying to figure out where God wants me to go with this post. After much debating and praying I believe I'm supposed to talk about strength. Most people are not sure how much strength they have until they are presented with a situation that makes them show just what they are made of. When faced with tough times and situations where we struggle many people ask "Why Me?" "Why God, Why Me?" Surprisingly the answer is easy. God wants us to run to him for our strength and realize that he is control. Also he wants us to find faith in the situation that everything will turn out okay. We often don't realize that we find our strength in our struggles.



I have struggled with many different feelings, addictions, and other issues throughout my life, and unfortunately I have not conquered all of them yet. I am getting closer to breaking free of them every day. I realize that it's going to take time and some hard working effort on my part to seek God and the freedom will follow! I have faith and hope that God knows what he's doing and it's all part of his master plan. Even though I am struggling to even make it through the day most of the time. I'm thankful I'm here and I have faith that there will be a tomorrow and it's gonna be a brand new day!! They always say it's darkest before the morning, I'm just waiting for my morning.


For those of you reading this who are battling with different issues no matter what it is.... know this, You are not alone! God is always there, and he knows you are hurting just reach out to him and he will be there!

"Before The Morning"--Josh Wilson this is a newer song I heard it for the first time about 2 months ago and it made me cry.

What is Faith?? Faith is belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. In other words it's relying and believing in what we can not see. When a person has faith, they have hope that things are soon going to change. When a person doesn't have faith all they can do is feel sorry for themselves and wallow around in their misery. Which person do you want to be? The faithful or the unfaithful?


I am the faithful person. For God said in Matthew 17:20 "He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain. 'move from her to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Do you know how small a mustard seed is?? It is so tiny it's almost microscopic. So that means that even the smallest amount of faith can move mountains.


I have learned in these past few months that Faith and Prayer can change your whole life's circumstances. Lately I've been quite depressed because I have been looking for a second job to fill the void of income. Recently there has been no luck at all no call backs, no interviews, not even a hint of a job. But I've had unfailing faith, staying strong in prayer, and studying God's word.

As a result this week has been amazing. First my current job gave me a few more hours for a few weeks and I was able to move into my own apartment. I've been busy cleaning and decorating, grocery shopping for those starter menu items. Today I had the greatest miracle of all. I was sitting on the couch reading and all the sudden my phone rings, now understand that I have debt collectors calling me so I didn't think anything of it. I pick it up and much to my surprise it is a hiring manager from a job that I applied for back in the beginning of January. Back then the position that I applied for was already filled, but now another position has opened up and she was interested in me and called me and I have a phone interview today at 3:30 pm.


What would have happened had I given up hope? Who knows...All I know is I didn't give up and as a result I may have an answer to prayer sooner and at a time I didn't expect it. I leave you with this verse "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalms 34:18. So if you're hurting, you're in pain, and totally crushed, cry out to God and he will save you!

This is a new song by Kutless called "What Faith Can Do"

I realize that it has been awhile since I have updated my readers. There have been some choices and decisions made that were not the greatest. The struggles are proving to be quite difficult, but as I sit here today I am glad that even though I didn't realize I had anyone there God was. He may not have been as close as he should have been, but he is back. This time FOR GOOD!! This journey has not been and continues to not be so easy. I have had some major breakthroughs recently though and I amvery excited to see where God is leading me and what he has in store for me.


A couple months ago a relative of mine introduced me to a ministry called "Fresh Start." This ministry is about forgiveness and forgiving those who have hurt you. Since I have been going to this class I have come to understand that the person I really need to forgive is myself. How can you forgive someone else if you can't forgive yourself?? Because to me as a person in my mind I have failed at many things. I feel within myself that I have failed as a daughter, as a sister, as a mother, as a friend, as a job seeker, as a God seeker, almost anything and everything. Right now I am striving to resolve these issues, and it's not as easy as it might look.


The other night at prayer I ran out of words to say so I started reading the book of Proverbs, and I stumbled across this verse and I don't believe it was by accident that at that specific moment I read these words: " The wise woman builds her house; but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Proverbs 14:1. At that point I started crying and prayed that I would no longer be the foolish woman, and for God to grant me wisdom. Because of MY OWN doing my world has totally and completely fallen apart. I know now that God is the only one who can mend and fix the mess I have made. I have learned through the years and struggles that when we decide to take over and run our own lives, we tend to make a HUGE mess of everything. But if you surrender God piece by piece slowly puts the puzzle back together, and brings you back to the place you're supposed to be.


I believe I have finally reached that place. My life these last 2 months has been amazing, and I feel I have changed completely. I am continuing to learn that I may not understand what he is doing and why. But I have faith and complete trust that he knows what he is doing. I given him total control to do with me and my life anything no matter what the cost. Also these last few weeks I have seen, felt, and heard too much to go back to where I was. I have promised God and myself that I will never leave and go back to that horrible place so far away from him.


This quote from the book "Surrender" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. " I am your protection and your provision; if you have ME; you have all you NEED. So...TRUST ME" is such a powerful and thrilling statement. So I leave you with these thoughts:

1) Do You Have God??
2) Do You Trust Him?
3) Have you completely surrendered and given to him Total control of EVERY aspect of your life?

Today I had an interview and unfortunately I somehow managed to FAIL the assesment test. I had no idea that a person could actually fail those silly things. But on further reflection I realized, that it obviously was not the job God has in store for me. There may also be something within myself that needs some "fixing" before I can get to that place. I want to have a make over, but the one performing this task will be God.

So I'm looking inside myself to see what may need worked on to receive God's full blessing for me. I want everything he has to offer, and I want the fullest and best from him. I was put on this earth to please him and only him. Not too long ago I was not glorifying him in everything I did. I'm sure there is plenty within myself that needs its "fixin". I keep asking what's taking God so long. Now I realize he has been asking what's taking ME so long. I guess I can wait a little longer only to come out on the other side a completely new person and ready for anything God throws my way. I'm completely ready for God to finally call me for what I am here to do. Wherever or whatever he tells me to go or do I will go and do it without a thought or a complaint.

"Make Me Over"--Natalie Grant

I've been silent instead of speaking up, gave my advice instead of giving love. I have been unfair, faithless, and unkind. I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind. It's not what I'm meant to do 'cause I wanna honor you.

CHORUS: Make me over, make me new, Make me a mirror, a reflection of you. Take me all apart, take me to your heart, and pull me closer. Oh Jesus, make me over.

Take away the pride that whispers in the dark. Take the stone out of the middle of my heart. Hidden underneath my insecurities is the servant that you've destined me to be. Day after precious day, I get in my own way.

CHORUS: Make me over, make me new, make me a mirror, a reflection of you. Take me all apart, take me to your heart, and pull me closer. Oh Jesus, make me over.

I am only made of your imagining, Im dust and clay on the wind, wash me in the river of your sacrifice, until Im changed, purified.

Take me all apart, take me to your heart, and pull me closer My Jesus, make me over. Make Me over, Make Me over, Oh, make me over, Jesus.

Yesterday was not a good day for me, I felt so used up and like I couldn't go on anymore. Lately I've been looking for the not just any job, but the RIGHT job. I've been praying that God gives me the job that he wants for me. I've been applying at close to 4 to 5 places every day for the past 2 months, I've had around 10 Interviews and still nothing. So yesterday was the day I was ready to lay down and die, I was totally and completely ready to GIVE UP!!!

I was crying almost all day. No matter what I did, where I was, all I could seem to do was cry. On top of all that, I had decided to pay a bill early this last month, like 2 weeks early I had paid it online. Then yesterday I went to go check my checking account and for some reason the money for the bill that I THOUGHT I had paid had not been taken out. I decided to call the company, and sure enough the payment didn't go through. Now I have to pay the full amount plus a late fee. Once again my world started crashing to the floor!

I realize everyone has their bad days, and yesterday was mine. Surprisingly though through the midst of everything else throughout the day I found myself praying and crying out to God. "God I need your help more than ever right now." I know my God will provide. That doesn't mean I'm not scared. I have no clue how things are going to work out, I just have FAITH and BELIEVE that they will.

Later when my sister arrived home from work. We sat down and had a good talk, she pointed out to me that God may be testing me. Trying to figure out how strong of a person I am, and also to see if this time my coming to him is for real. You find out who you truly are in the shadows of your struggles. I have discovered I want to be like Job, even when I lose everything. I will still love my God, and rejoice in my God.

"When your world falls apart, run to the One who creates worlds." -Drea T.





I haven't had the best couple of years. I've had to deal with some very difficult emotions, and situations. And I'm still fighting some of those emotions today. If it wasnt for the grace of God I have no clue where I'd be today. I was headed down a disgusting path.



It was a wide dirt road, with many companions, but it had sharp turns and ditches like cliffs. The ditches were piled sky high with trash. This trash stank like a mixture of a skunk, and sewage back up. It was horrible; just looking back now makes me gag. How I ever made it through the path without giving up is a miracle within itself. I trudged through and never gave up and I eventually made it to the other side. I didn't realize at the time how terrifyingly disgusting this path was, but today I know.



Now I'm on a cliff overlooking the valley from which I have climbed the long road to the top. The view is amazing from here. I can see where I need to go. This path is quite narrow, but it's lined with luscious green and prospering trees. There's also a clear trickling stream to follow that gives me hope. It's there when I need to relax and rest. The water in this stream is refreshing, when I drink from it; it gives me life! A life that I had forgotten was possible for me to feel.



I like this analogy, many of us travel roads like the one I have just journeyed through. But truthfully how many of us find the other path? The old path was the worldly way where there's no hope, it's dirty and so many unexpected things that will let you fall to the bottom. If you're on that road God is there but he won't pick you up until you ask him. In fact he'll be like Aslan from Narnia Prince Caspian. Lucy only found Aslan when she went looking for him. Once she found him she found her old friend and he was willing to help her once again. But it was only after she asked for help that he was willing to do so.



Once you find God and ask for the help you need. He will bring you from the old path to the new one. He is then the refreshing stream that gives you rest, and gives you life renewed. He is always there when you need him; even when you don't think you need him; he's there. Just know deep in your heart YOU ALWAYS NEED GOD!!





"The waves of death swirled about me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me; the snares of eath confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears."- 2 Samuel 22:5-7