I grew up in a Christian family, with a mother and father who loved me more than life itself, and only wanted the best for me. I loved my parents back, but as I grew older I felt like something else was missing. I tried to fill this void with friends, alcohol, music, and sex. No matter how hard I tried and no matter what I tried it was not getting filled. At that point I just used what I was taught was wrong more and more.


Then I went to college, and it was a Christian college. It was great at first made some awesome friends that I will never forget! As the semester progressed I became very depressed. I started skipping classes, sneaking off campus to smoke cigarettes, barely ate anything and would stay up all night and sleep all day. I was in my own world, I became titled the “Vampire” because of my sleeping habits. I eventually was at the point where I resented God, and anyone who had anything to do with God. I would shudder at the sound of the word God. I hated him, I hated my family, and I hated everyone who even thought about God.



At this point I went as far away from God as I possibly could. Soon I was getting drunk or high or both every single night, I was partying till the break of dawn. I was even going to work still intoxicated from the night before. I was sleeping around with almost anyone who looked like they were interested. And that’s right you guessed it before long I ended up pregnant. I found out way late, I was too drunk most of the time to figure it out. I had just turned 19 the week before I found out! By the time I had my first ultrasound it was too late, we saw no heartbeat. I had miscarried. Sadly I was relieved. Now it’s devastating to know that I lost a life that probably could have been saved had I not been so careless!


But I continued my same lifestyle and got progressively worse. And within 2 months after my miscarriage I was pregnant again! This time I carried full term and gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy. I was scared I was not ready to take on the responsibilities of being a mother. I wanted to have my friends and go out and party and live life. Honestly who wants to be stuck at home with a baby at the age of 19. Pretty soon I started to resent my own son, because he “ruined” my life. I wasn’t able to have fun like I used to. So in return I sort of ruined his, I became kind of a drunk of a mother, I would have parties while he was sleeping in the other room, and for this I am deeply sorry today. Eventually the time came when spending money on alcohol was more important than spending money on him. That’s when my parents intervened and took him for awhile so I could get my life back together. But I was too stubborn and having too much fun to change. Eventually I gave him up for adoption. Probably the best thing I could have done for him.


That’s when I went too far. I started getting really close to the other side. I was listening to songs that were talking about being in love with the devil, and to Hell with Jesus Christ, and just nasty horrible lyrics. I started getting into the paranormal and ghosts, and demonology, I used to spend hours researching demons, and the different levels of demons, and how to become possessed by one. I wanted to be as far away from God as possible so I got as close to the Devil as possible. I was starting to feel spiritual things on the opposite spectrum. In a way I felt alive in a way that I had never felt before. I wanted to become one with the spirit world. I was close I could feel it.


Eventually I got another job, moved out on my own for awhile, and during this time I had turned 21! You all know what that means. I was at the bar every night partying and having drinks with friends and having the time of my life no worries. It was the life. Until once again alcohol became more important than my responsibilities, and one day I woke up and realized I was not who I wanted to be. And the only person I knew who could change that outcome was myself.

I made a phone call to my sister who had kicked me out before, and I graciously asked her for a second chance. To my surprise she was forgiving and let me move in with her once again. I wanted to change, I wanted to become a better person, but one of her rules that still bugged me was I had to go to church. I wasn’t happy with that at first but I chose to accept it because I needed to change. For awhile it was hard, but I kept fighting I wanted to feel “happy” again. I mean I felt alive but still empty and hollow inside no happiness or joy. Just dark and depressing thoughts.


I kept on going one day at a time. Surprisingly I had a few breakthroughs at church but they didn’t come easily. I fought them the whole time, I mean I wanted to change, but something or someone else didn’t want the change to happen, I felt the spiritual fight inside of me. It was a mental, emotional, even physically tolling. I found myself sleeping 13-14 hrs a day. I wasted my days away sleeping because I knew the moment I woke up the fight would be there. I didn’t want to face this challenge, but I knew it had to happen for me to become the person I’m supposed to be.

Once again, the devil tried to tempt me with what he knew was my weakness, and once again I gave in. My weakness is men, and the way they can satisfy my wants. I ran away with a guy who said he wanted to be with me more than anything. I believed him, he was everything I wanted. Somewhere something went wrong, we started fighting all the time, he became abusive, I became resentful, we had no respect for each other, it was horrible. The only time we did get along sadly was in the bedroom. Eventually that didn’t even become enough. It was a few months of hell if you ask me, but then something happened, I didn’t feel right my body was telling me something wasn’t normal. I had a feeling I knew what it was, but I didn’t want to face it.

My fears proved me correct. I was pregnant and once again I felt like I was being trapped. A few of my family members had straight out told me to do everyone a favor and get rid of it. I was marked to fail. And even my family wasn’t behind me. The father said he would be there and do everything he could. That lasted about a month, and then he was off to Texas. I was stuck and all alone with no one there to help me. I started living with a different couple friends but I could only stay there for a month or so. I had a job but it was not giving me enough hours to support myself let alone a baby! I could not mentally or emotionally go through losing another baby. To me I had already lost 2 of them.

I was surprised when the one who I had hurt so much, I had spit in her face, and let her down too many times already. My sister she was the one who came to my rescue. She allowed me to stay with her for a little while. But she had a roommate this time who I don’t believe understood why she could do that to someone who had hurt her so much. I believe in a way she had resented me for hurting my sister in the way that I had. For awhile I felt like things were very tense in that household. Someone who didn’t even know me was judging me by my past actions and couldn’t let it go.


In the mean time a lot of things happened. I got a second job, my parents bought a house and are not moved into it yet so I am renting the basement. I started going to church again, and this time I wanted to go. I love my church, and I love my God! I have seen, felt, and heard too much on his side to not believe it now. I have felt the touch of God so many times since I have allowed myself to feel it, and have stopped fighting it. My breakthroughs have been so much stronger and amazing. I am closer to God than I have ever been, and every day I seek and fight to become closer to him. I never want to leave his side.

My sister and her roommate are now like my best friends, I have apologized and spent hours talking to them. They are my support system. Together we have accomplished, learned, and overcome so much. Things are on the mend and we are going to be closer than I believe even we had imagined. God has intertwined our lives so much for some reason, and I believe all will be revealed in his perfect timing. We have taught each other about strength, love, family, true friendship, what it is to seek God diligently. And I thank him every day for my family and friends.

I’m also happy to say that today I am FREE!!! Free from the chains of bondage to a dark, cold, and lonely place, I no longer feel empty or hollow. I am happy with who I am and where God has placed me. I am happy to be me. I am also expecting another baby boy in 2 months!! I have a second chance at life, and being a mother I am not going to screw it up this time.

Labels: demons, past, testimony